Tuesday, June 4, 2013

How tempting it is
How tortuous it would be
To look back at all the love
You used to send to me.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Fuck this feeling.

When does it stop?
When does it all stop?

Monday, May 13, 2013

I am mad at God.

That's okay, right?
That's okay.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

If this is summer, I want winter.
Anything but this.
Anything but these late, hopeless nights.


As "Words" being one of my Love Languages (in fact, my top one) it's unfortunately sad to see how much less words are beginning to mean to me.
Time and time,
whether it's friends saying you'll "always be bestfriends no matter what"
or a lover spilling open to you, saying you're the most perfectly suited for them and no one else holds the candle like you do,
or whether it's your parents declaration of "I do" many years ago
Words are empty, and hallow, and meaningless. Words are not promises.
Because friends don't stay in your life forever, and even the ones you thought you would have with you for the rest of your life don't hold that same spot in your heart they way you once thought they always would.
And that boy, well he may mean every bit of what he's saying, but he can't keep his feelings from changing over night
And "I do" is supposed to be the one biggest promise, two simple little words that are supposed to hold the most meaning in the world,
but you don't see the evidence in that when your parents end up divorced.
I don't know if it's my own self-made inevitable downfall, for putting so much hope and meaning and importance in words.
Maybe I just take words to mean so much more than the average person,
or maybe words should mean that much, to every one.
And I know life happens, things change, people change, feelings change--everything is always changing.
And what is a life if it isn't constantly evolving and changing?
Well, that would be a fairy tale.
I just don't understand the point in having something, if it's only going to be taken away from you.
I don't understand why God allows such amazing things to happen in a person's life, such amazing people to come into and be a part of your life, if they're only going to be snatched back after you've had a taste of real happiness.
I know He wants us to learn to appreciate, and to live a life of gratitude, and to not take our blessings for granted. And I can honestly say, I know how to appreciate a good thing when I have it. Or I thought I did.
Maybe you're not really appreciating the moment or the person when you're too caught up, obsessing, over how it will all end, and the intense pains of having to "let go".
But does He also want us to lose hope in words like "Friendship", "Trust" and "Love"?
Everywhere around me, I'm given all the reasons to lose all of my hope in anything good and anything good lasting.
I'm on the verge of losing that last particle of it. Of hope. I don't know what I'm even hanging on to anymore, and my hands are numb, but I just can't let myself believe in such a disparity.
 Even if there's just one small morsel of hope left, I think I'd die without it. I think that's why I hang on.
Words are empty and shallow and hollow and they contain nothing.
They're only good for that short amount of time they're expressed and exchanged.
But just because they're said once, or even a bunch of times,
it does not
and will never
mean that it will be that way forever.
or that they will mean what they said, forever.
Things change, the meaning of words change, people change.
In no way, shape or form, do words hold promises.
Words are empty.
Words are hollow.
Words are nothing.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

RIP Tia.

When your mom calls at midnight, barely able to speak through the sobs and tears......