Day 4

There WAS a day 4 btw.
It just didn't go well at all.
At all.
I completed the full set of stairs and barely made it home...felt like I was going to throw up and pass out.
It was bad.

But, on the upside,
I've been eating good!
Fruit/Vegetable smoothies (Frozen fruit, almond milk and some fat-free yogurt) every morning for breakfast.
A tuna-spinach wrap for lunch.
And some yummies for supper.
NO snacking except for those pistachios. Til death, son.
And no crazy junk-fooding except for weekends when everyone tends to slip a little.
*Siiigh...

This week...back to the grind!

You're drowning.
You're drowning in your unhappiness and you're drowning in your drinks.
You don't know what to do and I don't know what to do about it.
You're tired.
You're sick and you're tired.
Of being here.
What does "here" mean?
This house? Your house? This place? This life? Your life?
My heart isn't whispering.
My mouth, my lips--they have nothing.
But my heart screams.
It shouts.
And it's heavy because yours is.
And it's shouting to a place where I've heard lives a Man that hears its screams.
A Man that can fix.
A Man that can heal.
I know you know He's up there.
I just wish your heart would shout to Him,
instead of drown in the drinks.
I promise that whatever you're feeling,
I wish I would feel.
So that I could hurt with you.
So that I could heal with you.
So that I could understand you.
I love you, infinitely, I do.
And if my lips never say,
trust me,
my heart is always shouting.

Day 2

Just did it again!
Went up and down those stairs...all 250 of them. twice. That's like 500 stairs. Yesss!
I stopped once on the way up..both times. So that needs to be improved.
I want to be able to go up and down them smoothly, without a stop.
And then hopefully at a faster pace. But we'll take things one...step...at a time...(HA. No pun intended ;) )
I remember why I hate working out..or anything that involves moving...and that's because of the SWEAT and gross, "I just worked out" look.
And why is it that when you happen to look like this, that you happen to run into two very good looking guys.
All buff and stuff.
Why.
Why.
Anyway, so that's THAT.

As for eating...well I did alright! Someone even commented on my tuna spinach wrap for lunch at work today--"Well your lunch looks really healthy!"...Thanks to my mom!
And a zero-fat yogurt.
A few corn chips with a bit of salsa
Fish, rice, a load of vegetables.
AND of course those pistachio nuts.
Yum.
...I had chocolate milk again for supper....damn it -_-
(Atleast this time it was in a smaller cup...and we've run out of milk so now I really CAN'T have choc. milk again til who knows when...good)

We'll see how the weekend goes :S

500 steps.....50 TIMES?!?!
Lord have mercy on my poor and lazy soul.
Maybe I'm feeling too amped about this exercising thing...but how sweet would THAT be?!

I'm too afraid to commit to this.
But let's just say this is my pretend goal for now..

Day 1: Good bye, couch potato!

I know, I know.
Day 1, right?
How typical of us to get amped up and motivated after the FIRST work out of the summer. Whatever.
I'm taking this seriously. (How many times have we heard that one before?)
I'm skeptical too. But I'm my worst and only enemy.
And since I'm not going to count the first and only time I worked out at the gym since I've been home this summer,
TODAY marks day 1 of getting fit.
I'm not striving for that perfect line down the middle of my stomach,
or those perfectly shaven calf muscles
(although NEITHER of the two would hurt)
But I just want to FEEL better.
I hate that when I'm running, I feel like I am about 73023 pounds. No exaggeration.
And after being told today that I look like I've gained weight (only not in so many nice words....)
I have the most motivation right now. And so right now, I will begin!
And I am scrounging for some hope in that writing my progress, I will feel even more motivated.
And progress can only work if you can see that you're moving forward. And how can you do that if you have nothing to compare your days work to?
So here I go.
Blogspot...here's one more thing you're good for.

ALRIGHT.
So today. I left my house at around 6:30pm, and thank goodness my house is located right next to the escarpment cliff that overlooks all of the city!!! Although Hamilton is no breath-taking location....
I walked from my end all the way to the end of the path (Wentworth) and did those damn, intimidating-looking stairs!!! There's the first set that leads to a jollycut to get upto the mountain, and then the second set of stairs which leads all the way to lower part of Hamilton.
I wasn't feeling THAT ambitious, so I only did the first set of stairs. TWICE! Oh yeah!
I defenitley felt my heart pumping and working it's little butt off! But that's a good sign right? RIGHT!
After I reached the top, and sweat poured all over me (so attractive, right.....) I stretched my little limbs right out and proceeded to walk back to my starting point. Adding in a little sprint near the end.
Mind you, my legs felt the MOST wobbly and jello-like and hard to control while WALKING...let alone running. And I suddenly became aware of what that might look like to passer-byers. So I stopped.
And here I am, at home, one hour later.

Tomorrow, I will do the same thing (hopefully) just to get used to this whole....activity/moving/anything-but-the-couch thing. So no crazy stunts to expect soon.

AND I'm also trying to keep away from buying food outside unless emergency and unless something healthy like a leaf off of a tree.....or subway.
The only set backs from today would be that glass of chocolate milk at supper, and that cheese in my sandwich at lunch.
And pistachios all throughout.....
but that's the GOOD kind of fat.
:)

Full of it.

I guess, to say the least, this weekend was full. 
Full in all the right ways.
Full of animals
Full of sun
Full of food
Full of family
Full of laughter
Full of love
Full of GOD

I didn't know that when my friend texted me Sabbath morning, wishing me a Happy Sabbath and that she hoped I would experience God in some way this weekend, that I actually would experience Him in every way.
And it's only now, as I take a step back and reflect back on my weekend, that I realize it wasn't a long holiday weekend gone to waste (stuck dog-sitting) after all.

Thank God.

I could have been happy.
I could have loved you.
I know you're not to blame, but I still wish you'd waited for me.
Fought for me.
Worked it out with me.
Not given up on me.
Done everything you could to stay with me.

We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together.
But we sure make it feel like we're together, because we're scared to see each other with somebody else. 

Sometimes the last thing you want comes first,
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes.

"I'm afraid of emotions.
I don't like how they feel.
I've hurt others with them and I can't trust them at all."

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion
is infinite, undying--
Lady, make note of this:
One of you is lying.

-Dorothy Parker

You said you would never hurt me.
But it wasn't you I was worried about..

That's it.
I'm literally and officially obsessed with Hunger Games.
And it's probably not very good for my health seeing as I'm losing hours of sleep by staying up to read the books.
It is one of the hardest things to do lately-- to pry the book out of my own two hands.
Alas, I've gained back some self-discipline and have put it down for the night.
On the upside,
my cat hasn't failed to continue with his nightly ritual.
Comes into my room, stares at my bed hinting for me to pick him up onto it (since his jumping is limited because of Arthritis..and we all know THAT can be a bitc..). He makes his way towards my head, nudges it while he allows me to pet, praise, and cuddle him. Then he ventures off into the valleys of my bed to find his perfect spot for the night.
Tonight, it's right beside me. Thank goodness I have this bed big enough for two :)
With my mom in other room, brother downstairs, and the rest of my family safe and sound (Thank you, God), all is well with my world.
(Well....almost)
AND, it's the Sabbath--hallelujah!

Good night :)

What they don't know is that there is more to her.
There are feelings and opinions and emotions.
There are flaws.
But when someone places an already set list of expectations on you of you,
you feel like your only option is to be that.
Nothing else.
Opening up becomes hard because you fear they will see the flaws that they didn't expect you to have.
And you don't let them see your flaws for that very reason.
No openness.
No vulnerability.
It's a vicious cycle that needs to be broken.

Cat and I back in action. True happiness.